Know your enemy

You should see it when it's empty.

Ah, rivalry week...the one week every year when we stop trying to ignore the "tribe from the North" and start trying to ignore Robb Akey. The Broncos are coming off a cake walk win against Utah State, the Vandals are coming off a surprisly tough win over Bye. Most fans, like me, know too much about Idaho and their antics on the Palouse. Needless to say, there is still a lot to be learned about this week's foe (don't worry, Kellen Moore already knows their defense intimately)...so let's explore through the magic of factoids and childish jokes. For the mutual benefit of the Vandal faithful, I will let you get to know us a little bit too, not that you haven't already drawn your own conclusions...so take notes.

Ten things Bronco fans might not know about the University of Idaho and their hellish hovel to the north

10. In 1871, brothers Asbury and Noah Lieuallen and about 20 families arrived in what is now Moscow, Idaho. The settlers were drawn in by the abundant grassland and availability of timber for building. The abundance of camas bulbs, then used as fodder for pigs, in the area led the settlers to first name the town Hog Heaven. Years later, several U of I sororities adopted that same name.

9. Besides the University of Idaho—Moscow is home to 21 other academic institutions...among them, Mr. Leon's School of Hair Design and the Moscow School of Massage. Surplus baby oil from the School of Massage is donated every year to the football team.

8. The Vandal football team started play in 1893, and went 2-0-1 in their first year with two wins over Washington State and a tie against Spokane AC. It took the Vandals until 1900 to win another game. Ahh, tradition.

7. Idaho's longest tenured coach in their history was John G. "Pinky" Griffith, who coached for 10 seasons in Moscow and went 28-22-2. Griffith left Idaho to coach at Iowa after the 1906 season but returned as Vandals coach in 1910 and took over the University of Idaho's Entomology Department. Prior to coaching, Griffith was a fullback and team captain for the Iowa Hawkeyes' football team.

6. A mule named Idaho Gem, the world's first cloned equine, was created by researchers at the University of Idaho and Utah State University. Later that same year, the school cloned Buddy Hackett to be their basketball coach.

5. The Kibbie Dome, shown here, is the smallest football venue in Division 1-A with a capacity of 16,000. The dome should be full this Saturday, but don't worry, Bronco fans, there's always a little extra room in Robb Akey's mustache.

4. The campus master plan for the University of Idaho was developed by the Olmsted Brothers, founders of the American Society of Landscape Architects and sons of Frederick Law Olmsted, who designed New York's Central Park. The Olmsted Brothers radical design ideas for the campus included grass, trees, gravel, and trees.

3. Before moving to the Kibbie Dome, the Vandals' football team played their home games at Neale Stadium, an "earthen horseshoe" that was named after UI president Mervin G. Neale. The stadium was condemned in 1969 and burned down by an arsonist that same year. Why are you looking at me? I wasn't born until 1980.

2. Two famous alums of the Vandal football team are Jerry Kramer and Bill Fagerbakke. Kramer went on to fame and fortune as the Intermountain Gas spokesman after his playing career in Moscow was over and Fagerbakke went on to become a starfish. Ok, Kramer was pretty good.

1. Idaho has an all-time win percentage of only 44%. Sure they, won 12 straight against the Broncos in the 80s and 90s, but that was much more anomalous than anything they've experienced before or since. They've never won a national championship, notched an undefeated season or even made a dent in the Division 1-AA playoffs. Despite their "streak", the Broncos lead the all-time series with the Vandals 19-17-1 and it's gonna get more lopsided from here on out. Just remember all this when your revisionist Vandal co-workers try to reminisce about the "good old days".

Ten things Vandal fans might not know about the Broncos and their peaceful hamlet to the south

10. In 1978, after taking abuse from the Vandal mascot at Bronco Stadium and in tears, the Bronco mascot (who was female) was approached by Boise State wrestling coach Mike Young to pull a switcheroo on the Vandal attacker. Young donned the costume at halftime and proceeded to tackle the Vandal mascot and steal his sword. Comeuppance, I believe is what that is called.

9. Longtime radio personality and ex-"Voice of the Broncos" is actually an University of Idaho alum, as is the father of Bronco football, Lyle Smith. This is a lot like if Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine decided to fight for the Rebel Alliance after graduating from Dark Side University.

8. Boise State's second president, Eugene Chaffee (1937-1967) enlisted in the army in 1942 to fight in World War II.

7. During World War II, enrollment at Boise State dropped to 152, but by the end of the war had jumped to nearly 900. Today, enrollment is close to 20,000.

6. Aurelius "Buck" Buckner was Boise State's first African-American student athlete. Buckner attended Boise State from 1944 to 1946, and was on the football team and basketball team, where he was the high-scorer in the 1945/46 season. Bill Buckner, who also lives in Boise, is no relation.

5. Once upon a time the land on which most of Boise State's campus sits was an island. Its most famous resident was Sage Brush Ann (also known as Tarpaper Annie), who lived alone in a modest tarpaper shack. I got nothin'...this one speaks for itself.

4. Boise State is currently ranked the 40th among all universities in merchandise sales just behind Georgia Tech. Boise State is the highest ranked non-BCS school on the list of the top 75 that the CLC releases each quarter and is ranked directly ahead of Mississippi, Stanford, Colorado, Pitt, BYU, and Boston College. Here is an artist's rendering of the owner of the Blue and Orange Store.

3. Many Vandals think that Boise State ripped off their colors and mascot from the Denver Broncos...wrong. Boise State's mascot and colors were picked in 1932 by student Owen Sproat and others after a basketball game. As Sproat put it:

“most of the guys rode horses — it was pretty much cattle country in those days.”

The johnny-come-lately Denver Broncos didn't come on the scene until 1960.

2. Lyle Smith's teams won 16 of 21 conference titles in the Intermountain Collegiate Athletic Conference (now the Scenic West Athletic Conference). Dominance, Lyle Smith be thy name.

1. The Broncos have won ten oops...getting ahead of myself...nine straight games against the Vandals going into this Saturday's game. The last win by the Vandals was a thrilling 36-35 win on the blue 1998 in Boise. Since that fateful date in November of '98, the Broncos have won 105 games and 7 conference championships. The Vandals have won 30 games in that span and have not been to a bowl game since the 1998 Humanitarian Bowl. The Tormey Curse or the Pokey Curse...take your pick.

Vandals turning on themselves

This scathing editorial cartoon appeared in the latest issue of U of I's Argonaut. Hey...that's Argo-naut very nice! yet completely accurate.

Zing!

Cheerleadergate claims first victim

Gimme a 3...an 8...and a 7.5!

The University of Idaho cheerleader drama has now been holding the nation hostage for over a week...and it has finally claimed it's first victim (second, if you count 'credibility'). The pleather-clad cheerleading squad's skipper, Cassie Helm, has formally announced her resignation over the affair:

Helm, who teaches aerobics and gymnastics, said she resigned because of the school administrations more conservative vision for the spirit squad.

As you may have heard, John McCain has suspended his presidential campaign and is en route to Moscow to help bring a resolution to this "national crisis". For those not in the know...the Vandal cheerleaders had their racy, Bavarian-style cheerleading unis confiscated last week after an uproar on the Palouse. The cheerleaders took the loss of their uniforms with dignity and grace...

Helm said some cheerleaders told her they cried after a meeting in which the uniforms were confiscated. “Kids aren’t crying if they hate something,” the ex-coach said.

Vandal football players and fans alike joined in sob-fest after losing, badly, to Utah State on Saturday. More fallout and bloodshed are bound to occur in upcoming weeks so brace yourselves because more hissy fits are surely on the horizon. The saddest part of this whole thing?

(cheerleader Heidi) Lyons said the uniform switch deprived the squad its goal to excite the crowd at football games.

You brazen hussies...in my day, "Boom goes the dynamite" was enough to whip the crowd into a frenzy.

University of Idaho is ranked

No, I this is not the Bizarro world where up is down and Vandals are Broncos...looky at this top-15 ranking pulled down by the Vandals on Google Trends today. The University of Idaho has been riding the wave of uniform controversies for weeks now and have finally settled in just under "naked cyclist". Way to go, tribe from the North...you are one more controversy (and maybe a sleeping porch mishap) from the top 10!

Sophomoric humor gets results

It seems that the Vandals butt logo situation has been...wait for it..."rectified" *snicker*. The Vandal logo debacle, it seems, went all the way to the top this week and Rob Spear, as expected, blamed everyone else:

"They're saying we signed off on it. We did sign off on it, but the actual design of the uniforms were changed,"

Spears says that the logo was supposed to be higher up on the pants, near the "beltline"...but apparently conspirators at Nike decided to move the logo to a decidely funnier location. I'm sure that's what happened...yep. Spears went on to add (most likely with tears welling in his eyes):

"I was disappointed with the look and the appearance. We didn't realize how noticeable it would be until it was on our players,"

Well, we all didn't realize how terrible Idaho would be this year either until we saw them take the field in Arizona. Keep the stories coming, Vandals...I've got a family to support and all the Adsense revenue that I get from embarassing Vandal stories allows me to feed my family.

Leaked photos from Vandal Camp

Quarterback Nathan Enderle exhibits the Vandals new secret weapon, "the Forward Pass"


Placekicker Tino Amancio works on his craft


Walk-on Fullback Hughey Gold poses briefly for the assembled press before taking to the practice field


Just across from the practice field, the Kibbie Dome looms. Quiet...for now.


The new Vandal O-line has finally added some bulk up-front


A Vandal H-back darts his way through defenders as several other nap quietly on the field


Coach Robb Akey poses in full regalia in his office prior to the morning session

Did you hear the one about the Vandals?

Part 2 of our WAC football preview is here (remember, we're starting from the bottom), and this time we brought in the big guns. Kevan Lee from OBNUG was kind enough to write this glowing send up of those loveable losers—the University of Idaho Vandals. We're glad that someone out there also thinks that Robb Akey looks like the dad from Family Ties (but with the social graces of the neighbor from Office Space). Adam Korby looks a little like Tina Yothers, too. No?

Robb Akey's mustache has seen a lot of things: the sidelines of Washington State, coaching stops at Northern Arizona and Weber State, and enough Just for Men to drown a horse seven times over. But through the mustache's journey from town to town and Arby's to Arby's, one thing the mustache has yet to see is a WAC win.

Akey and his furry friend failed to earn one last year, losing games to New Mexico State (inexcusable) and Utah State (virtually impossible) along the way to going 0-for-the-conference. The final tally in the first year of the Akey:

• 0-8 conference record
  
• 37 points per game allowed
  
• one Boise State "donkeys" reference
  
• one 58-14 loss to Boise State
  
• 18 instances of throwing hands up in the air as if to say, "What more can I do? Besides teaching fundamentals, I mean."
  

Yet through it all, one thing has remained clear to Akey. This Vandal team is his family.

“I like the way this family is together at this point in time and that is going to be huge,” Akey said. “We’ve got a family here and that is a great thing."

Forget for a moment the ramifications of such smothering statements (recruits want to hear "We have hot coed girls" not "You're like the son I never had") and imagine what love Akey must have in his heart to desire kinship with this ragamuffin group. The Vandals are one of the most dysfunctional teams in the country, so it takes a big man to love them so much. I don't necessarily mean that as a compliment.

At some point in the evolution of Akey's head coaching tenure, he obviously made the decision to take this family thing and run with it. Was his mustache jealous? Most certainly, but a horse-hair ivory brush fixed that. Still, choosing the family angle is a rather unique approach to an undisciplined, untalented bunch. And it leads to some interesting questions:

• Can the players call him Papa Akey?
  
• Does Adam Korby get the birthright?
  
• Who does the chaperoning on dates?
  
• In bed by 10:00? Lights out at 11:00?
  
• What will he say when Shiloh Keo asks why he looks different than Nathan Enderle?

Family vacation to nowhere
With family in tow, Akey is ready to hit the road and go places in the WAC. Too bad Nathan Enderle hates car rides. The Idaho quarterback-by-default-not-by-choice will take the Vandals as far as they will go this year, and he will do so with a blatant disregard for completion percentage.

Enderle, who is perhaps better known for not being Joey Harrington's little brother, was not particularly good last year, which fit in well with the overall theme of the Vandals. He is nothing if not a team player.

If you ask us, Enderle's problem is his inaccuracy, poor decision-making, and ADHD pocket presence. If you ask Robb Akey, Enderle's problem is not having a mustache.

There. Fixed.

Enderle's inadequacies are too bad because the Vandals have a very good running back behind him. Sophomore Deonte Jackson, heretofore referred to as "the offense," has the potential to be the WAC's top runner this season both because he is talented and because he will get an overwhelming amount of touches. The Vandal skill players are short on skill and long on getting tackled easily, so Jackson's game-breaking ability will be much needed. Yes, I know I just said "game-breaking ability."

It was the mustache's idea to put Idaho State on the schedule
The Vandals are always good for at least one Division I-AA team on the schedule. Goodness, if they weren't, they might never win a game. But whereas most D-1 schools breeze through these cupcakes, the Vandals fight and claw and scratch their way to seven-point wins. And boy are they happy about it.

This year's I-AA opponent is Idaho State; the same Idaho State who will lose to the Broncos by 50 points the week prior. After the Bengals, Idaho gets Western Michigan, Utah State, and San Diego State in what, for any other team, would be a super easy stretch. For the Vandals, it will be a perfect opportunity to show how far they have or haven't come. If they can't win two games out of those four, then they might as well fold the program and let Akey's mustache use the Kibbie Dome as its own, personal bachelor pad. Did someone say Kibbie Dome mustache?

We swear we didn't know there was film in the camera
The Vandals have a few things going for them that are entirely new and foreign. For starters, the coaching staff returns in tact (which may or may not be a good thing). Second, there are some good players on the team in Jackson and Korby. Third, the schedule is incredibly easy. Start printing those "2008 Idaho Vandals: 3-9" T-shirts!

But then again, these are the Vandals we are talking about. And they obviously have serious lapses in judgment.

Might this problem manifest itself at the most inappropriate times on the football field? Of course it will, although hopefully they'll keep their shirts on this time. Idaho is bound to blow it once or twice this season; that's what they do best. But it appears that their strategy is to put themselves in situations where screwing up royally doesn't cost the team in the win column. For instance, Nathan Enderle forgetting what an out route is will probably happen in the San Diego State game, but the chances that the Aztecs take advantage of the mistake will be minimal. Their schedule could seriously save them a game or two.

Of course, they stand no chance of beating the Broncos, Bulldogs, or Wolf Pack. But it is becoming increasingly more apparent that the Vandals are not concerned with competing at the top of the WAC. They are concerned about competing somewhere, anywhere.

And that should be good enough for the mustache to see its first WAC win.

Really?!

So Vandal coach and noted mustache-afficionado, Robb Akey, was asked about the recent NCAA sanctions against the University of Idaho that will strip the football team of 8 scholarships in 2008. First, Uncle Robb told mesmerized onlookers how he responded to the NCAA actions:

With dissatisfaction.With determination. And without regret.

Then added, "with fries, please", but was told that he'd have to pull around.

Akey, who is a cross between the dad from Family Ties and the neighbor from Office Space , went on to imply that the NCAA employed a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" framework for punishing offending institutions. This assertion, backed up by Rob Spear's ridiculous spin on the punishment shows that someone up north doesn't get it.

We lost retention and ultimately some eligibility points because we made decisions to protect the character of our athletic program

The punishment is not for kicking criminals off the team, but for having them on the team in the first place...furthermore, to paint every departure from the team as being due to "protecting the character of the athletic program" is just wrong. 7 Vandals were removed from the team for breaking laws or university policies, 5 were removed for sub-par academic progress, and the rest left due to dissatisfaction with the team or injury issues. Again, no one is punishing the university for kicking felons off the team, Rob(b)s, but rather, they are punishing the systematic neglect that has taken place over the last 7-8 years.

Robb Akey is not the reason that most of the bad eggs "found" their way onto the Vandal squad—and no one is accusing him of such. But to subtly accuse the NCAA of taking erroneous actions is sub-moronic. Akey said:

Go visit that campus. It will be very evident whether the coach is the problem, the school is the problem or things are being done to address the situation

Again...what?! No one said you were the problem, Robby...but the university has to answer for low APR regardless of how and when it occurred. If you really want to point the finger of blame, look no further than honcho Rob Spear, who signed, sealed and delivered a who's who of coaching ineptitude, shady fundraising practices, non-qualifiers and JC transfers to your doorstep. Spear is the common denominator in the last few coaching hires and recruit signings. And, oh yeah, the school is the problem.

But nice 'stache.

Statesman article

University of Idaho to fans: "@#$% you"

The Vandals' previously slow descent into madness and irrelevance has sped up rapidly in these latter days. The brains at the University of Idaho announced this week that they will not offer single game tickets this season, but instead make "fans" purchase a minimum of two game tickets. Isn't that fun?! And are they just perpetrating this on Idaho "fans"? Nope. They are making anyone wishing to purchase tickets to a game in Moscow do the same...knowing full well that none of those people are going to wish to return to the Krappy Kibbie Dome for another game.

As tempting as it is for Boise State fans to return to Moscow to watch the Vandals lose to Idaho State, I just don't think many will be willing to shell out more cash just to watch the Vandals put up a valiant first quarter effort against the Broncos.

Clearly, this is an attempt to remain in good graces with the Division 1-A attendance gods as Vandal games are about as well attended as a Saddam Hussein wake—but this is going to bite them in the proverbial keister, bank on it. Could it also be that the Vandals are trying to improve their paltry HFA, making darn sure that Vandal fans "greatly" outnumber visiting fans? No visiting fan in their right mind would want to purchase two tickets to the Kibbie Dome, unless there was a dog show there the following weekend. Just when we thought that Rob Spear couldn't get much slimier, right?

So, here's the deal: I say Bronco fans completely boycott that game. Don't give the U of I athletic department a dime for their little scam. Our Broncos don't need a large contingent of fans in Moscow to be able to overcome Robb Akey's "family". Instead, let's all fill up Boise bars and restaurants and watch KTVB's broadcast of the game instead—we'll be injecting more money into our OWN economy and not dealing with drunken fratboys defacing our cars. Whaddya say?

University of Idaho may be throwing up a big middle finger to opponent's fans and their own "fans" alike—well, Idaho...right back at ya!

Care for a Gem State Twin Pack?

Not only is he irrelevant...

In a fitting end to the draft, Idaho's All-WAC linebacker David Vobora was tagged "Mr. Irrelevant" with the very last pick of the weekend by the St. Louis Rams. Now, I won't knock Mr. Vobora as a player, he was a very solid for the Vandals...perhaps the only consistently solid player for the Vandals...but I did find a few of his answers to a recent questionnaire to be a bit...interesting.

—Not only was Vobora the Vandals' top producer on defense—he did it all while being completely color blind!

What celebrity would play you in the movie version of your life and why?
Denzel Washington. Might as well have the best in the business do it right?

Is it worth mentioning now for those unfamiliar with the Idaho program that David Vobora is white?

—Vobora also shows a tender, sensitive side:

What is one thing your teammates don't know about you?
'How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days' is my favorite chick flick.

Yes, but is your twin Denzel Washington in it?

—Vobora likes to move it, move it:

What reality TV show would you like to be on and why?
'Dancing with the Stars' because the professional dancers are hot!

Are you talking about this guy?

—And last but not least, we learned that Vobora considers moral victories to be his greatest achievements:

What's your proudest moment in football?
When I sacked the Boise State QB at home in our rival game late in the fourth quarter in front of a packed house my junior year

Enjoy your trip to Disneyland, David.