Fightin' words

"The world's most dangerous marching band"

This week's opponent, the New Mexico State Aggies, have a rich tradition of losing, Bill Gates rich. Seriously, they haven't been to a bowl game since JFK was in office. But why do the Aggies struggle so mightily on the field? Well, I put all of FFBSU's resources into analyzing the Aggies' dire situation and, in a "Eureka moment", found the culprit of their futility: the fight song. Let's break down the lyrics of their depressing anthem and see if we can get to the heart of the problem, shall we?

Aggies, Oh Aggies

Try to recite this first line without having Barry Manilow's Mandy popping into your head.

The hills send back the cry

That's called an echo...not the first thing you want to hear in a football stadium.

We're here to do or die

Those are the only two options? Must've been a lot of fatalities after losing to Idaho on Saturday.

Aggies, Oh Aggies

...you came and you gave without takin'...

We'll win this game or know the reason why

The reason why? Hal Mumme is our coach.

And when we win this game

I think the word you're looking for is "if".

We'll buy a keg of booze

Can we see your collective IDs?

And we'll drink to the Aggies

Just don't take a shot every time Hal Mumme wipes his nose on camera...very bad for the liver.

Till we wobble in our shoes

Friends don't let friends party in Las Cruces.

A-G-G-I-E-S

This part is a public service benefitting the adult literacy program.

Aggies, Aggies, go Aggies

Aggies aggies aggies...

Aggies, Oh Aggies

...well you kissed me and stopped me from shakin'...

The hills send back the cry

The hills were angry that day, like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli...

We're here to do or die

The latter, if you don't mind.

Aggies, Oh Aggies

...but I sent you away, Oh Aggies...

We'll win this game or know the reason why!

Yeah!

Why, I haven't seen such an inspiring ditty since Ronnie James Dio's Holy Diver. Fix this, Aggies, and your troubles may be behind you. You may want to give recruiting, coaching, facilities, offensive coordinator, defensive coordinator, uniforms, and conference a close look also.